Paranormal Activity (2007)

Oooo, a door just closed by itself.  That's very spooky!  Paranormal Activity is the first in a long series of boring horror films.  Never has a horror film been this boring, stupid, and annoying....well, except the first Friday the 13th, but that's besides the point.  This pointless drivel also started the whole "found footage craze", even though it wasn't the first found footage film.  The oldest found footage film was Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, which featured the actual murders of squirrels, a turtle, and a snake.  I've seen some of Cannibal Holocaust, but I was too disgusted with it to even get past 10 minutes.  So, back to PA.  It's nothing special or inventive in any imaginable way and the films just keep getting worse after this one.  Clocking in at 90 minutes, I felt like I was watching a film that had an extra 40 tapped on to it.  Seriously, I don't get the love for these films!  Their not scary!

Paranormal Hacktivity is about a girl and a boy name Katie and Micah (although they keep calling him "Meeka")  Katie moves in with Micah and we find out that they are married!!!!  WOAH!!!!  Then, on one night, a door closes while their asleep!  OH NO!!!  Then, they hear things in the basement!!!  OH GOD NO!!!  Then.....they have pointless convos.  Oh, and also, there's something about a demon haunting Katie, or something.  The best compliment I can give this film is that "Meeka's" home looks nice, like an upper-middle class home.  I was more interested in how he manages for himself and that house more than the demon thingy.  I mean,  how does he!?  That house looks like it clocks in at about $120K, and he's just an amateur filmmaker.  Guess that's the the art of the hustle.  Keep hustlin' "Meeka" (or Ghost "Meeka")

The biggest complaint I have about this film is that it's very boring!  There are many pointless scenes thrown in just to make the film seem realistic, but c'mon, we all know it's fake.  No need for useless scenes to stretch this film out.  It could clock in at 75 minutes and still be decent.  However, the director obviously had to make this seem authentic, so we're given a 4 minute shot of "Meeka" fixing his camera with nothing happening.  At least try to put in some subtle scare, but they don't.  Also, "Meeka" is probably the biggest douche in the world.  His girlfriend tells him not to mess with the demon and guess what he does?  Mess with the demon.  I hope Ghost "Meeka" is feeling regretful for his idiocy.  Also, doesn't he see the tapes?  He should be worried for his life if his girlfriend gets up at 2am and stares at him for 2 hours.  However, this idiot brushes it off because he thinks it's a joke.  He deserved what was coming towards him.

Also, the whole "Meeka" threatening the demon to leave them alone scenario was the dumbest moment in film history!!!  Hey, Einstein, you can't punch air!  The demon, however, can punch you.  He's so stupid.  I swear, he's the worst part of the film.  Okay, enough with "Meeka", and on to other problems.  Let's be honest here, these guys have seen demon hoofs, Katie's been literally dragged out of bed, and your Ouija board caught on fire.  Would you really stay in that house?  The characters are so stupid, but it could have been forgiven if it were at least somewhat scary!  However, it isn't scary at all.  Ooo, a door closed!!!  That's scary!  So what?  Doors always close on their own!  Ooo, lights turn off!  Okay, does any else happen?  No, the demon just turns off the light.  Once you sit down and think, did that really creep you out in any way?  No, it wasn't even close.  I feel sorry for the people that actually paid to watch this!  I wish I could reimburse you, but I don't have 100mil to give out.

Overall, Paranormal Activity is a terrible film.  It does nothing more than copy the whole mockumentary feel from other films, like Blair Witch Project, Cannibal Holocaust, and [REC]. It doesn't improve upon any of those aforementioned films, and it actually is worse than all of them.  Nothing happens in this entire film, and, oh, I forgot to mention.....They try to do a jump scare near the end (Not the famous "MEEKA" flies into the camera scene), and it literally was the worst jump scare I've seen.  I laughed so loud that my vocal chords almost popped.  It's that bad.  Also, "Meeka" adds nothing to the film, but to be that one dumb guy that investigates everything, instead of running away like any normal guy would.  He's annoying and very condescending throughout the entire film.  He is easily the worst part about this film.  However, I got to give Paranormal Activity some props.  No matter how much you like/dislike this film, you have to admit: It's a trendsetter.  It revitalized, rather than started, the whole found footage genre and I gotta give respect to where respect is due.  However, to counter-act that last statement, it started the whole found footage craze, so I take back some of my respect points.

3/10