Paranormal Activity (2007)

Oooo, a door just closed by itself.  That's very spooky!  Paranormal Activity is the first in a long series of boring horror films.  Never has a horror film been this boring, stupid, and annoying....well, except the first Friday the 13th, but that's besides the point.  This pointless drivel also started the whole "found footage craze", even though it wasn't the first found footage film.  The oldest found footage film was Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, which featured the actual murders of squirrels, a turtle, and a snake.  I've seen some of Cannibal Holocaust, but I was too disgusted with it to even get past 10 minutes.  So, back to PA.  It's nothing special or inventive in any imaginable way and the films just keep getting worse after this one.  Clocking in at 90 minutes, I felt like I was watching a film that had an extra 40 tapped on to it.  Seriously, I don't get the love for these films!  Their not scary!

Paranormal Hacktivity is about a girl and a boy name Katie and Micah (although they keep calling him "Meeka")  Katie moves in with Micah and we find out that they are married!!!!  WOAH!!!!  Then, on one night, a door closes while their asleep!  OH NO!!!  Then, they hear things in the basement!!!  OH GOD NO!!!  Then.....they have pointless convos.  Oh, and also, there's something about a demon haunting Katie, or something.  The best compliment I can give this film is that "Meeka's" home looks nice, like an upper-middle class home.  I was more interested in how he manages for himself and that house more than the demon thingy.  I mean,  how does he!?  That house looks like it clocks in at about $120K, and he's just an amateur filmmaker.  Guess that's the the art of the hustle.  Keep hustlin' "Meeka" (or Ghost "Meeka")

The biggest complaint I have about this film is that it's very boring!  There are many pointless scenes thrown in just to make the film seem realistic, but c'mon, we all know it's fake.  No need for useless scenes to stretch this film out.  It could clock in at 75 minutes and still be decent.  However, the director obviously had to make this seem authentic, so we're given a 4 minute shot of "Meeka" fixing his camera with nothing happening.  At least try to put in some subtle scare, but they don't.  Also, "Meeka" is probably the biggest douche in the world.  His girlfriend tells him not to mess with the demon and guess what he does?  Mess with the demon.  I hope Ghost "Meeka" is feeling regretful for his idiocy.  Also, doesn't he see the tapes?  He should be worried for his life if his girlfriend gets up at 2am and stares at him for 2 hours.  However, this idiot brushes it off because he thinks it's a joke.  He deserved what was coming towards him.

Also, the whole "Meeka" threatening the demon to leave them alone scenario was the dumbest moment in film history!!!  Hey, Einstein, you can't punch air!  The demon, however, can punch you.  He's so stupid.  I swear, he's the worst part of the film.  Okay, enough with "Meeka", and on to other problems.  Let's be honest here, these guys have seen demon hoofs, Katie's been literally dragged out of bed, and your Ouija board caught on fire.  Would you really stay in that house?  The characters are so stupid, but it could have been forgiven if it were at least somewhat scary!  However, it isn't scary at all.  Ooo, a door closed!!!  That's scary!  So what?  Doors always close on their own!  Ooo, lights turn off!  Okay, does any else happen?  No, the demon just turns off the light.  Once you sit down and think, did that really creep you out in any way?  No, it wasn't even close.  I feel sorry for the people that actually paid to watch this!  I wish I could reimburse you, but I don't have 100mil to give out.

Overall, Paranormal Activity is a terrible film.  It does nothing more than copy the whole mockumentary feel from other films, like Blair Witch Project, Cannibal Holocaust, and [REC]. It doesn't improve upon any of those aforementioned films, and it actually is worse than all of them.  Nothing happens in this entire film, and, oh, I forgot to mention.....They try to do a jump scare near the end (Not the famous "MEEKA" flies into the camera scene), and it literally was the worst jump scare I've seen.  I laughed so loud that my vocal chords almost popped.  It's that bad.  Also, "Meeka" adds nothing to the film, but to be that one dumb guy that investigates everything, instead of running away like any normal guy would.  He's annoying and very condescending throughout the entire film.  He is easily the worst part about this film.  However, I got to give Paranormal Activity some props.  No matter how much you like/dislike this film, you have to admit: It's a trendsetter.  It revitalized, rather than started, the whole found footage genre and I gotta give respect to where respect is due.  However, to counter-act that last statement, it started the whole found footage craze, so I take back some of my respect points.

3/10

V/H/S

Seeing as I can't review this film as a whole, I'll just write my entire opinion on each of the tapes.  But here's an overview.  While a couple of the tapes are easily good and very creative, there are some that set it back.  I can't say that I truly hated this film because I knew not to expect anything special, but I can safely say that this was the best found footage film ever, which is a shame.  This film is directed by 4 or 5 directors.  I know most of them, like Adam Wingard (You're Next), Joe Swanson (Drinking Buddies), Radio Silence (Those "alien pranks gone wrong" videos on Youtube), and Ti West (The Innkeepers, House of the Devil).  It's pretty safe to say that I knew what to expect since West is the only director who did something good.  So, I watched it and I personally loved this film more than any of those stupid Paranormal Activity films.  So let's begin.

Tape 56

Easily one of the worst of the set.  Tape 56 is about a bunch of thugs trashing up some parking lot before doing a job.  They enter an abandoned house where an old guy lies dead.  Apparently, they aren't so worried about someone walking in on them with an old guy, so it doesn't matter.  There, they find the old guy has a set of V/H/S tapes, and no, none of them are porn.  They watch it and we see what they see.  This is the only thing that connects all the tapes together so it sounded interesting.  The execution is flawed.  It's main flaw is the fact that the only thing creepy about this is the little static.  There is no tension and it really sets the film off on a low start.  It doesn't help that after every tape is finished, they go back to this uninteresting drivel.  Then, they attempt to use a pop scare with music.  Yeah, way to keep things realistic guys!
2/10

Amateur Night

This one is easily the second best out of the bunch for me and for a very simple reason: It's the most unique out of all of them.  Amateur Night is about 3 frat boys who go to a bar to get lucky.  There they meet a chick, who is very strange.  The trailer already spoiled the big twist in this one for me, so I knew what to expect.  Sure, the guys were unlikable, but I didn't care because I was really intrigued by everything going on.  It definitely was one of the better tape out of the bunch.  It also had some very great gory scenes, so if you don't like that type of stuff, stay away from this tape.....and the 3rd.  This was the funnest horror movie experience and this reason why this one also pissed me off was because the rest of the film (minus one of the tapes) were just disappointing.  Ugh, why couldn't you be any good?
6/10

Second Honeymoon

This was possibly the one I was very interested in watching for a while.  Mainly for one reason: It's directed by Ti West.  Second Honeymoon is about a couple who go on their second honeymoon.  Soon, they notice that someone is watching them from a distance and every time at night, someone is videotaping them sleeping.  The night scenes were pretty creepy considering how it freaks me when someone watches me sleep.  However, most of this segment is practically nothing.  They just videotape their honeymoon and that's it for the first 9 minutes.  Then, the twist was stupid and it all fell apart from there.  You can skip the rest of this segment review as it will be a spoiler.  So, his wife was in on it?  So she was married to this guy for 2 years and then admits she's lesbian?  And her lover was touching her with a knife in a very threatening way.  That's so stupid.
4/10

Tuesday the 17th

Okay, scratch what I said about the wrap around being the worst.  This is the worst segment in the film.  So, a girl and her 3 generic teenagers, who are all lined up to be slaughtered, go to the woods for a totally tubuler weekend!  It all turns bad as they find out that a digital killer is hunting them down.  The thing that killed this segment for me was the absolute generic approach.  It completely is nothing for that another teen slasher flick, no matter how cool looking the killer looks.  The special effects are okay, but it doesn't save this film at all.  The acting is easily the worst of all the skits.  Seriously, how do you mess up acting like a bunch of sex-crazed idiots?  Apparently, it is possible.
0/10

The Sick thing that Happened to Emily When She Was Younger

Okay, for a second, I literally thought this would be good.  It seemed pretty creepy and it had a nice format (Skype, which was ripped off by Paranormal Activity 5)  So it was a decent idea.  This tape is about a girl who is in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend, so she calls him.  However, she notices weird things going on in her body like an itchy arm.  Soon, she sees things which look like spirits running amok in her home!  It turns out to be bigger than she expected.  The execution on this one was decent.  Nothing special, though.  The ending is probably what ruined this one for me.  It set up too many questions that wouldn't be answered, and it really made me angry cause it makes no sense.  It has a few decent scares, but plot-wise, it's a fail.  At least it was a definite improvement over the last one, which was terrible.
4/10

10/31/98

This is the best of the bunch of mediocre skits.  10/31/98 is directed by Youtube group Radio Silence, who specialize in horror-comedy shorts.  This skit is the funnest of the bunch, mainly cause everything is hectic.  This one is about a group of friends who are gonna go out to a Halloween Party.  They make their way to the house, which is deserted.  Stupidly, they think everything is a joke until they realize that they didn't walk into the right house.  Instead, it's an actually haunted one.  This tape works well because it's the fastest paced.  Whereas all the other ones took their time to get to the horror stuff, this one starts off the very minute it starts.  They hold nothing back and it's easily the funnest of the bunch.  Considering that I'm a fan of their YouTube work, I had a feeling that this would be the craziest.  However, there is one stupid moment when the characters just derp out and it seemed forced just to keep the horror going.  Also, the special effects were just spectacular!  I couldn't believe it was on a small budget.  Easily the best of all the tapes, this is the only worthwhile tape.
7.5/10

Overall, V/H/S is nothing spectacular, but it is the best found footage film I've seen in forever.  Most of the tapes are either really dull or just flat out stupid, but the two that start and end the film truly makes this a decent film.  I'm not sure why so many people fell in love with this film because it isn't nothing spectacular.  It's just nothing too bad.  Also, whatever you do: Avoid Tuesday the 17th!  It is the worst of the tapes and you really don't need to watch it to get the other ones.  Amateur Night and 10/31/98 are the only worthwhile films, but nothing else.  It's disappointing that Ti West, who brought us House of the Devil, had one of the lesser films.  At least, his and "The Sick Thing"  were the two tapes that weren't either good, nor bad.  Just mediocre.  All in all, I thing this score balances the film out perfectly.

4/10

Predators

Alien invasion film reviews will continue with Predators.  So sue me.  This was pretty fun.  Predators is filled with a wider array of new ideas for the Predator franchise and it helps.  Adrien Brody is the lead man in this not-so-high-profile cast, but it has some good B-level actors.  Well, the original Predator was not a great film at all.  It's only considered a classic because Arnold Schwarzenegger was in it, and those famous words:  GET TOO DA CHOPA!   I wasn't a fan at all with that film.  Then, the Danny Glover sequel came out and it was one of the worst sci fi films ever.  Also, let's skip out on my feelings for the whole Alien vs Predator thing.  We all know those are downright awful.  So, the Predator franchise is not exactly good in any way.  It's a mediocre franchise that's been in an all time low recently.  So, where do they go?  Well, they went up, and that's for sure.  Predators is not only better than the last Predator film, but it's the best Predator film ever.

Set possibly around the time this film came out, Adrien Brody's character basically wakes up free falling only to be saved last minute by a parachute.  He's stuck in the middle of the forest and runs into a group of trained killers.  Every known lethal weapon is there.  They even have a cartel member too!  So, after wandering around a bit, they find out that they are being watched by someone or something.  Then, after walking a bit more, they find out they are not on Earth, but their on some unspecified planet.  And as Adrien Brody's character put it, "This is a game reserve, and we're the game."  Yes, everyone's second favorite extraterrestrial killer has sent our antiheroes onto a planet, so that they Predators can hunt and earn their honor.  Is the premise good?  Yes, actually, it's amazing.  I love the idea of being hunted down by something, as long as I'm not the prey or predator.  It keeps the film fresh alone and that's great!

Let me start off with one of the best parts.  The acting is phenomenal.  Who would have thought that Adrien Brody would seem like a great antihero?  Seriously, Adrien Brody?  Everyone else is meh, but Brody was on point.  So much so, that I just realized I called everyone phenomenal because of him.  Then, the action scenes are pretty fun.  I recall never caring for a single fight scene in the original.  The only thing that held the original up was Arnie and that's it.  Also, there are some quotable lines, but it's not that great of a script.  It's just serviceable.  Don't go in expecting a genius film and you'll come out very pleased.

However, there are some problems with this film, mainly with the one cameo.  I felt like the cameo was rushed into the film just to explain what exactly the Predators were doing and why they did it.  Then, said cameo has some loopy moments and it goes from a serious tone to a laughable one.  Thank god, that it was a cameo and nothing bigger because that would have pushed this into rotten territory.  Also, there is this one twist in this film, which I won't spoil, but it makes no sense.  I don't know what the point of the twist was, but it seemed thrown in there just to give the characters a new problem and it's pretty silly.  However, just like the cameo, it's over very quickly and that's good.  Also, there is this Yakuza gang member who is more of the silent fighter type and I wished he had more things to do.  He has his moment to shine, but it wasn't enough for me.  Also, Danny Trejo seems to be playing Machete again, but he isn't that annoying.  All in all, some will find these problems distracting, but I didn't.  I'm not saying this film was great or even good, but if you need something to pass time by, this film will work well.

Overall, Predators is a fun film.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  The acting is okay, but Adrien Brody is fun to watch as a tough mercenary, even though he isn't exactly ripped.  The action scenes are thrilling enough, and it's the best Predator yet.  Also, I kinda a little biased towards this film because I remember this was my first Blu Ray experience with surround sound on a PS3, so don't start thinking that I genuinely loved this film.  It just holds a special place in my heart. However, Predator is a very flawed film in terms of a strange tonal shift with the cameo and an unnecessary twist that made one character's ambitions to be a little, well, too ambitious.  Also, to all you Predator fans, there are many nods to the original Arnie version, so there are some fun Easter Eggs, including the famous Spine-Rip.  Also, I forgot to mention the subplot about what's been going on with the Predators, but that was another refreshing idea that worked well.  If you want a fun time or just to pass time by, Predators will please.  I just can't help but be a little lenient on this film.

7/10

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels

I have a very limited knowledge of Guy Richie as a director.  I haven't seen a single film from him, but I heard many wonderful things about his career opener, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.  I've watched bits and pieces of Snatch and from what I saw, it seemed entertaining to say the least.  So, for my first full fledged Guy Richie film, I chose Lock Stock.....Actually, the only reason I chose this was because Netflix didn't have any of his other films, so yeah, that's the truth.  Without a doubt, I can firmly say that this is a fun film that never takes itself too seriously.  I was expecting something slow or nothing special, but I got a great film.  Now, I know why this film has a cult following.  It also was the first film I've watched in 2014, so that's a great way to start the year!

Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is about 4 friends named Bacon, Eddy, Tom, and Soap.  Eddy is a very great card player.  His best skill is not the cards itself, but his ability to detect the slightest facial change in someone.  Soon, a big time mobster named Hatchet Harry hears about Eddy's skill and invites him to play some cards.  The game becomes heated, and let's say that Eddy now owes Hatchet Harry 100K.  If they don't get the money back in a week, each one of their fingers will be cut off.  There are many subplots intertwined in this film, but they all come together in a hilarious and vicious ending.  The only recognizable face in this film was Jason Statham as Bacon, one of the background characters.  It's a fairly decent premise, but good things are done with it.

The driving force in this film is the amazing script.  Every line of dialogue in this film is very interesting and there are moments of pure comedic gold.  Ritchie creates a world filled with crazy whack-jobs and unfortunate pot dealers.  It's one of the funnest cinematic experiences I've had in a while.  The film features many great performances as well.  Everyone had their moment to shine and they all did perfectly.  It's also a well shot film.  It captured the beauty of London and mixed in some of the grimy, dirtier places as well.  Again, the dialogue really was amazing, especially the card playing scene.  The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.  There were many good things in this film.

Although I found it great fun, many people could complain about some weird moments.  There are many moments where it's just a little too random and the humor is a little too dry.  Also, the character, Rory, just popped out of nowhere without any introduction.  He also seemed a little too stereotypical of a '70s black guy and I really wished his character would have something to do besides be weird.  Also, there are many characters introduced in this film.  It moves a little too fast pace and you may need to keep a notepad in order to keep track of these names.  Many characters are not given enough screen time as much as I wished (Jason Statham), but everyone was interesting in their own ways.  I could totally understand it if someone wasn't the biggest fan of this.

Overall, I thought Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was a great film.  It's finely acted and, at times, can be gut-bustingly funny.  Guy Ritchie had an amazing directorial debut and I enjoyed this film.  From the very first minute to the last second, I was hooked in this quirky, but grimy mobster film.  However, many problems can occur, such as the random scenes that hold no significance to the plot at all.  Also, there were a lot of characters in this film and you may forget who's who at one time.  However, those are minor complaints because this film was a fun Brit crime-comedy.  I thoroughly enjoyed Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.  Now, I'm very interested  in seeing Snatch and maybe Sherlock Holmes.

7.5/10